Sometimes I look at the picture of Zane on my wall at work and get so angry. I start talking to him. I ask him why. The picture is right at eye level and to the left of my cabinet so I see him often throughout the day. This was the last professional picture that was taken of him, 7 months before he died. I cannot begin to tell you how blessed I am to have these photos. Amanda captured the handsome young man he was. She captured a moment with Zeagan that I will be able to show my grandson when he gets older. These photos hold a story.
Back to being angry. Yes, I’m mad. I truly think I’m finally at the pissed off stage. Grief is freaking stupid and has utterly consumed me. Just when I think I’m sad, I’m actually mad. Now I want to know why the hell he did it. Why did he do it to his momma? Why to his dad? Why to his brother? To Adrianna, whom he called his sister? To his baby nephew that he adored? I get it, he wasn’t thinking about us at that moment. I know I know. I’ve read ALL about it but I can be mad and ask questions if I want. He’s MY son and I can be ticked off at him if I want.
I’m sure I’ll sink back into my sad stage. I still cry my damn eyes out when certain songs come on. “I Miss You All The Time” by O.A.R.s lyrics kick my butt EVERY SINGLE time.
“You know that I don’t like to say goodbye
I didn’t know that we were out of time
I’m sorry that I couldn’t save your life
So I walk, yeah I walk
I go to pick the phone up every day
And imagine conversations we would say
But I’m always hanging up the same way…
“…I know that you were only passing through
In a moment you were lighting up the room
There will never be another like you
So I walk, yeah I walk
And I try to keep my eyes up on the road
And remember all the stories that you told
But I’m sorry that you’ll never grow old…..”
Doesn’t matter when the song comes on, I break down, but I have to listen to it.
We made it through another holiday. It was our second Easter without Zane. He wasn’t there to help with the church service or Zeagan hunt eggs. I did manage to go to church but still couldn’t take a picture in front of the cross of Easter lillies. That was the last time he took a picture with Joe and I at church.
The next holiday is another toughie, Mother’s Day. But before that, Levelland has prom. I have to endure seeing pictures on FB of the kids he went to school with go to his senior prom. Would he have gone? I don’t know, maybe. Zane was unpredictable when it came to his anxiety. I want to go to the red carpet, where the parents watch their kids walk in prom, but unfortunately, I’m not a parent. I don’t have a child in LHS. Yes, I have his boys that call me mom but the school doesn’t call me, nor do I have a reason to go up there. I didn’t rent a tux or buy a cap and gown. I didn’t get to complain how much a senior year costs. It’s going to be a difficult decision to go to the red carpet.
The scholarship banquet is the last week of school. Joe and I will be giving away the second Zane Morgan Timmons Memorial Scholarship. Zane should be receiving a scholarship as a senior. It seems like a joke to have his name on the scholarship. Like haha, jokes over, let’s get it right. But nope, in front of his senior class I’ll be giving away this award to a deserving student. I promise soon we will be setting up a scholarship fundraising event to turn it into an endowment through SPC.
Several weeks ago I had an amazing opportunity to help spread the suicide awareness and prevention a little further. I am now a part of a blog, written by moms in our area. Each one of us are similar by being a mom but oh so different by being on different paths in life. I am so honored to have joined forces with the Lubbock Moms Blog ❤️. Please check us out!