As I went to bed the other night I realized I’m no longer sleeping with the TV on at night. Do I still have music on? Absolutely. Some noise. But I no longer need light, 20 months later. 40 years old and I don’t needs night light anymore. Well not at least after he left.
Tuesday when I got home from work, TJ said he had something for me. He went out to the Challenger to grab it (he is borrowing the car for a bit) and handed me an envelope with Zane’s name on it. His name was written in pencil, first and last. I quickly realized he wrote it. TJ told me that in 8th grade they wrote letters to themselves and sealed the envelopes to open when they were seniors. Holy crap.
I didn’t know if I wanted to open it now. So I took off my makeup and did a few things around the house. Finally, alone in the living room, I sat down and slowly opened the envelope. Maybe I shouldn’t have. I was opening something MY child should be opening. I was opening something MY child wrote, HIS handwriting. My heart started pounding but I still read his words.
Zane in 8th grade had already developed a sarcastic side. It was very noticeable in the letter to himself. But so much was heartfelt. The end crushed me. Literally crushed me. My son was already tearing apart at the age of 14. HOW DID I NOT SEE THIS. HOW DID I NOT KNOW. HOW. HOW. HOW.
His words were already so sad although there were happy parts. He told his senior self of his best friends, his favorite teacher, 5FDP, favorite color being purple and how he wished he could have gone back to New York.
Here are a few inserts:
“Your life had become longer and enduring, you no longer laughed the same or think the same. You are constantly mad and or sad.”
“Your entire 8th grade year was practically hell, it changed you.”
“In 9th grade I hope to smile more, and change my life.”
“Stop faking everything, find help, change yourself. Do well.”
He talked about his girlfriend at the time. I remember her. She wasn’t the problem. It was her stepmom. She didn’t like my son. He wasn’t good enough for her daughter I suppose. Well, it crushed him. Especially when ONE day before 8th grade prom his gf wasn’t allowed to go even though it was all set. Zane went, but stayed for an hour. His heart was broken. No wonder his year was hell. I still have pictures of him in that tux tho, the only ones I’ll ever have. No senior prom pictures here.
I kept looking in the envelope for something else. Nothing. I even tried to catch a scent. Nothing. Just mostly sad words. If I had only KNOWN about the letter and had READ the letter then. Or maybe if someone else had, the clues wouldn’t have arose. Damn I failed.
Zane forgive your momma.
I’m pretty sure I cried in my sleep last night. I slightly remember saying something about how terrible life was when he died. Then he brought Kai’Dyn and Riot to us. Oh Zane. Your momma loves you so much. I woke up looking like I was 10 years older, like it was the day after, like it was July 27th.