As I was messing around on my tablet Sunday evening, I got a notification from Google photos. I clicked on it. May 19, 2017, there he was. My handsome boy and my cutie patootie grandson. They were sitting in the gameroom, Zane was looking at Zeagan, smiling. He was smiling because he loved that little boy so much. His eyes said everything. “I’m a proud uncle, what are you?”. He’s wearing his Pink Floyd t-shirt and as I look closer, I see his Metal Mulisha lanyard hanging out of his pocket. He always had his car keys with him, another thing he was so proud of. He also has on his special edition Nintendo Vans that say Game Over on the bottom (soles). Again, spoiled. I have this pair in a glass case on a shelf now. Silver tack he stepped on is still embedded in them.
The day I took this picture, I clearly remember what we had been doing. Moments before we were all out in the front yard. Joe was setting up the water sprinkler and Zeagan decided to join him. Zane went to grab him before he got slapped in the face with forceful water that could knock a little tyke down. They both wound up wet and loved every minute of it. Zane sprayed him with water and oh the giggles. From both of them. I can hear it even as I type. Zane’s laugh. Damn I wish I could hear it one more time.
This past week has been SO so so emotional. I haven’t been myself. Last Friday we walked into LHS for the Senior slide show. My heart was pounding. We watched our boys on the screen. The very last picture was our sweet baby boy 💙. I have a feeling quite a few we’re surprised. Graduation Sunday at church was beyond special, the money donated by the church family for Zane’s scholarship was phenomenal. It will give us a great start to the fund. The kids had awards ceremonies, so back and forth to the schools. The kids did wonderful on the awards scale. Tuesday Joe and I gave two scholarships away at the Senior Honors Banquet. This was the 9th one for Elinda’s and the second for Zane’s. I never imagined.
In the kitchen on the fridge I have 12 graduation invites. On a cabinet I have 4 more that are multi sided invites standing up. On Wednesday Zeagan was looking at the cards on the cabinet and asked “where’s Uncle Zane Zane’s?”. 🤷 Really? Seriously God? You put that in his mouth? At this time? Thanks. My heart actually stopped, I’m pretty sure. I told him he doesn’t have one, he’s not here. He said “oh yeah he’s at the doctor, he’s sick”. Again, 🤷.
Thursday wasn’t too too exciting, it was the last day of school so I picked up the kids and we ran a few errands. Then Friday slapped me in the face 🤦. Graduation day. The day my child was supposed to walk across the stage with his friends and start his journey in either the medical field or be an artist. I went to work that morning and left around 3ish. Got home and JJ, Sam and Izayah met me there. All three hoodlums wanted their ears pierced 🤣. So in my kitchen I pierced their ears and had a few laughs. Izayah brought me another invitation from Austin. I opened it and had to leave the room. It made me cry. I immediately went to show Joe. As you open the the three fold card, the center picture is Austin in his graduation cap and gown at Zane’s monument with a cap on top of Zane. Oh my. How sweet of Austin 💜. Few hours later was graduation. Whew. I went. I sat. I was there. I watched. I listened. I was dazed the entire time. Near the end, a classmate walked in holding a cap. She placed it on an empty chair in front of her. Tj got up to the podium for his Valedictorian speech. Most of it was dedicated to his brother Zane. It was what I needed to hear. He also thanked Joe and I for everything. He mentioned the purple beads each classmate was wearing for Zane. He thanked the principal for giving Zane a chair ❤️❤️❤️. Yes, my baby had a chair at graduation. My Zane graduated. One of the other boys Devin had ZMT stitched into his cap. He said Zane walked the stage.
Be still my heart 🥰
I didn’t feel like going down on the floor so we left the dome. Soon after Kaleb, Isaac and his girlfriend Xandria brought me flowers. They were going to give them to me there but I left. It was sweet.
I needed therapy for such a rough week. I knew I would so I was prepared. I was already scheduled with Sheldon, my tattoo artist. I started my full leg piece on Saturday which is a memorial for Zane. This first part is a crow. We will add more later. “The Crow and the Butterfly” from Shinedown. This song is about child loss.
Sunday was TJs graduation party. I was in charge of decorating so I dragged my sister into it 🤣. Thank goodness she helped, couldn’t have done it without her. Rose (TJs mom) bought all of the decorations and in the mix were several purple items. These were for Zane. This party was for TJ and here she is thinking about my son. Zane was everywhere. The party was at the Science Spectrum and the butterfly exhibit was there. What a coincidence. One of the employees, David, let the kids and I into the exhibit as his guests (I told him our story). The butterflies were remarkable.
Some seem to think the storms that are ravaging the area are “due”. Meaning we haven’t had this type of weather in a while. Well I think differently. Someone I know very well loved this type of weather and if you recall it poured and poured the night before the funeral and the morning of. As did graduation.
This evening, Monday, I went to the grocery store real quick and as I was grabbing something I heard “Mom!” in a young man’s voice. I turned around and looked since it was a natural reaction and NO ONE was there. No one. And it was like it was right behind me. My heart is still pounding 3 hours later. It had to have been him…