Just Not Over It

I realized something about Zane last Wednesday while talking with my friend Alison. You see she just had her second child, Forrest, delivered by the same doctor I went to while pregnant with Zane. Unfortunately Dr. Killeen didn’t get to deliver him tho, little man decided to arrive 3 weeks before his scheduled C-section, 4 weeks before his due date. Dr. Killeen was out of town. Zane was coming into this world whether we wanted him to or not. So what I realized is…he chose to ARRIVE and when to LEAVE.

Last Friday evening the Lubbock Mom’s Blog (www.lubbockmomsblog.com) had a small happy hour so we could meet a few of the new members and just mingle. Oh these beautiful mommas, each one of them. Each one has a story. Everyone hurts in some way. Or they simply have it rough. One sweet mom lost her precious baby at 7 weeks old to SUIDS (like SIDS but unexplainable). Another lost her 27 year old brother in a motorcycle accident, after her served TWO tours in the military. He also has a son who is now a teenager. This same mom told me a story of another mother who had two children with two different fathers, nothing unusual right? Well, completely unrelated and each father did NOT know each other and at different times died by suicide. These two beautiful boys both lost their dads the same way I lost my son. Sounds impossible. THAT mom has to be lost. Those two boys are in my heart. And Chelsea, oh my dear friend Chelsea and her husband Jason have been learning EVERYTHING there is to know about Cerebral Palsy for the last 4 years with their precious daughter Olivia. I’m sure if I had been able to talk to more mom’s I would have found out more personal stories.

Jena came up to me and asked about my tattoos on my right arm. She asked what they meant. I get it, my right arm art is kinda scattered so where do you start? Well, I started with the coordinates. 33.57°N 102.38°W….sigh. That’s his home, that’s where he’s buried, my son. And that’s his signature. Those are the only two I talked about, then I explained why I had the coordinates and signature. Jena knew most of my story. We are two in the same. Both mother’s who have lost our babies. We talked about how some expect us to be “over it” already. We’re not sure where that idea came from but well ok.

A girl Zane went to school with contacted me. She told me he has come to her in dreams and she feels like he’s with her from time to time in random places. She has no idea why, she knew knew him but wasn’t necessarily close to him. This sweet girl also told me it’s taken 22 months to even muster up the courage to contact me. Oh Zane, I love how you speak through and to others.

As I was cleaning out the fridge this afternoon, I grabbed the carton of eggs. Yep, out of date. I told Joe too bad I don’t have Zane here to throw what’s left of the eggs at the back fence 😞….

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