I remember the Christmas morning I got my Jaybird wireless headphones. It was 5 1/2 years ago. Is it weird that I even remember where I was sitting on the couch? I never expect anything but Joe and the kids always somehow surprise me. I opened the headphones with an iPod. Joe knew I wanted them because at the time I was an avid runner, training for marathons and Spartans. Obviously since then things have changed, breaking your neck puts a damper on heavy physical activity like pounding the pavement for 15 miles while conquering military style obstacles.

The reason I bring my headphones up is, they’re slowly giving up on me. These bad boys have given me one heck of a run for the money. But now I have to charge them every morning when I want to use them, and the charge only lasts about an hour. My heart is breaking. I do not want to give them up. Zane was sitting on the couch with me, along with Joe and Daniel as I opened them. Joe and I always waited until the kids opened all of their gifts so we could see their happy faces before we even touched ours. Nonetheless, Zane was there. Strange how an inanimate object is so sentimental.

Someone asked Zeagan last week how old he was. His answer? 16. Well, ok. That’s an odd number. No one is 16, I mean no one. And we don’t even talk about Zane being 16 when he died unless someone asks and it’s rare anymore. So where did that come from? 16…

Last Sunday Pastor Amanda had an interesting sermon that made me cry. She talked about how Jesus prepared his disciples before dying on the cross and how she prepared her son for his first time staying a few days away from her and her husband. Unknowingly, I believe Zane did the same. Things come back to me from time to time. When we were planning our Ruidoso trip Zane bugged me about going fishing. But in particular with his Pawpaw and the guys. He made sure I made it happen (of course I did). Koii was in the middle of her summer softball games and I never pushed him to go but he told me he thought he needed to see her play at least once. So he went to a game with me, that was in June. And Daniel, his big brother, he had been spending more time with him. I noticed that he had been going to Lubbock with him randomly and just hanging out. That was unusual for them two. Zane would come and sit with Joe and I in the living room and watch TV at times. That too was unusual. I want to punch myself for not noticing.

Today was a Netflix day. I tend to be drawn to sappy movies to make me cry. Lately I’ve been drawn to shows that have sad or emotionally gut wrenching story lines. I really have no idea why I do it to myself. It’s torture. I started ‘Then Came You’. I knew from the beginning the end would be sad. But out of nowhere a scene made me break down. The young girl, one of two main characters, has cancer and is dying. Her mother is in her room smelling her clothes (she’s still alive). Ugh. I’ll never forget finding Zane’s Nirvana shirt in the very bottom of his hamper under towels and other clothes, two months after he died. It smelled JUST like him, not like dirty laundry. In a plastic baggie it went.

Back to the movie….Skye had a list, a list of things to do before she died. She prepared herself per se. She was able to cope with the fact that cancer was going to take her. Ironic I chose this movie.

I keep seeing a picture all over FB…Although my son has been buried, maybe, just maybe he has really just been planted 💜

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