#730

Wednesday night I had a dream about Elinda. I haven’t dreamt about her in FOREVER. This kinda shook me up. It was a strange dream too, can’t even remember what the jist of it was about. I just know Carmen was driving and she was sitting in the driver’s seat with her 😅 and I was in the passenger seat. Suddenly we we ran out of gas then she got in the back seat. That’s all I remember. But nonetheless, I had a dream about her. That beautiful angel, that smile, that laugh. I saw her. I heard her. I almost felt her. I was so close. It’s been almost 9 years since I’ve loved on this sweet girl.

‘Ordinary World’ by Duran Duran
Came in from a rainy Thursday on the avenue
Thought I heard you talking softly
I turned on the lights, the TV, and the radio
Still I can’t escape the ghost of you
What has happened to it all?
Crazy, some’d say
Where is the life that I recognize?
Gone away
But I won’t cry for yesterday
There’s an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive
Passion or coincidence
Once prompted you to say
“Pride will tear us both apart”
Well now pride’s gone out the window
Cross the rooftops
Run away
Left me in the vacuum of my heart
What is happening to me?
Crazy, some’d say
Where is my friend when I need you most?
Gone away
But I won’t cry for yesterday
There’s an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive
Papers in the roadside
Tell of suffering and greed
Fear today, forgot tomorrow
Ooh, here besides the news
Of holy war and holy need
Ours is just a little sorrowed talk
And I don’t cry for yesterday
There’s an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive
Every one
Is my world, (I will learn to survive)
Any one
Is my world, (I will learn to survive)
Any one
Is my world
Every one
Is my world

Two years ago I lost part of my world. My world died. Literally.

So much has happened in two years. So many events. I FEEL SO GUILTY.

Grief hurts. We’ve ALL lost someone as an adult. But not all of us have lost someone so close to us that it physically hurts for more than a temporary amount of time. Grief freaking hurts. It doesn’t get much better. We just deal with it.

On July 25th I’m not supposed to be hanging out at the cemetery changing flowers. But I was. I’ll be hanging out there again today, the 26th.

Some might wonder why we dwell on his death date…it’s no different than an anniversary. Of course it IS an anniversary. It’s the day my sunshine left this world. This type of anniversary is not one you want to celebrate or remember. Even creeping up to the date makes your heart race. This entire week has been building up. Knowing your son died on an exact day, basically at an (almost) exact time, and knowing what you were doing when you found out makes you freak out.

Flashbacks.

They. Never. Stop.

July 26th is the day I stopped saying “good” morning. That was the last thing I said to him as I saw him go into the bathroom. I lost my good.

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