The Last Time

Last Friday night he came to me in a dream!!! I saw his sweet face!! I talked to him! Well, it was a funny conversation but we talked!

We were at a drs appointment (a place I had been at before in a previous dream) and as he sat on the bed he saw a pack of gum and asked if he could have some. I was texting someone and told him to hold on. He asked again “Mom!! Can I have a piece?” Again I said hold on. Then I looked and told him those are not ours and the Dr came in. I didn’t have a place to sit like last time so the Dr pulled a chair from the other side over and I woke up.

He was about 15, had his curly longer hair. Moments like those make me wake up smiling. I literally woke up and said out out loud, I had a dream about him!

I used to go to Sam’s and buy a bulk pack of gum for Zane. In fact I still have at least 4 or 5 packs left. He liked a certain kind. I would also have to stock pile on the Pepsi and Monsters while I was there. I tease that Sam’s is probably wondering why their sales went down in August of 2017.

Saturday morning I was loving on Mia. I always talk to her like she’s a human, because well, she is. I asked her “can you believe it’s been two years since our baby boy has been gone? It’s been two years since you heard that gun shot.” Then I thought to myself my goodness. She was there. Of course I’ve always known that but never REALLY thought about it. She was there. She saw it. She heard it. She saw her best friend die. No wonder she has his anxiety now. I’m really surprised the other three dogs don’t have it. They were there too in their kennels. They couldn’t see anything tho, they were tucked away behind the piano but dang it they heard it. And they knew. Mia knew. I’ll never forget how Mia acted for months after. She was so so lost. Zane rescued her, he was her everything. Zane didn’t mean to leave her, just like he didn’t mean to leave us.

Sunday evening Riot, Zeagan and I were eating pizza. Adrianna had just gotten there to pick Zeagan up. Zeagan was all over the place so I told him to go sit in his chair since the TV wasn’t even on so there was nothing to see. Oh man he is an epiphany of his daddy. He looks and acts like him to a ‘T’. Zeagan is 3 1/2 years old. That is exactly how old Daniel was when Zane was born. I told this to Adrianna and she just smiled. Then all I could do was stare at him. This little boy. 18 years ago I had an infant and a toddler just identical to Zeagan. Now that infant I once carried in my arms is gone, and not because he grew up.

July 31st. The other not-so-happy day. The day we buried our child. Last year when pictures started popping up on Facebook memories it occurred to to me what the date was that we put our son in the ground. I had no idea it was the 31st. In 2017 I had no concept of time/day. As Joe and I walked out of the church on July 31st (after I passed out) it was the LAST time we EVER saw his face again. EVER. Nothing can prepare you for that. Nothing can prepare you to watch them close the casket lid on your BABY.

Well that awful date came yesterday. I was doing ok, wasn’t even going to post about it. Then…damn it! ‘Location’ by Khalid played on the radio at work!!! OMG! It was NEVER played, that station has been on fora while and even at that I’ve never heard it through those speakers. Boy did I break down. Thank goodness I was between clients and had a break. I could take a moment and realize the little punk was talking to me 💕.

Today we are taking a short trip and pass a small cemetery and I make a comment. Zeagan says “no that’s the angels!”. I was corrected by a 3 year old. Here was our conversation after that…

Me…are the angels talking?

Z…no the angels don’t talk

Me…but doesn’t Uncle Zane Zane talk to you?

Z…umm yeah he does

Me…well he’s an angel. What does he say to you?

Z…I don’t know. I love you

Me…oh I bet he calls you a turkey


We ALL laughed. That’s EXACTLY what Zane would be calling Zeagan so I know for a fact he talks to Zeagan and that’s what he’s calling him. One of Zane’s favorite phrases were “stupid turkey”. I have a list of all his friends birthdays that I kept on the fridge and he wrote that on the bottom.

My son is still here. I just wish he was really here. My heart will never be the same.

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