Everywhere I Go

There was a grey beanie in the corner of the gym…šŸ¤·. Maybe he left that there for me to see, to tell me hi. A token, to say he’s still around. Wait….yes, he did. He left it there just for me šŸ’œ.

In the last two years I’ve never thought about this until now while sitting in my car waiting to go into work…was he scared in the moments before? Obviously he had courage but how scared was he. My baby must have been terrified. He was all alone. He died all alone. I think that is one thing that hurts my heart the most. He was alone. I know that was his intention but still.

‘Heavy’ by Linkin Park

“I don’t like my mind right now
Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
Wish that I could slow things down
I wanna let go but there’s comfort in the panic
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything’s about me
Yeah, I drive myself crazy
‘Cause I can’t escape the gravityI’m holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?You say that I’m paranoid
But I’m pretty sure the world is out to get me
It’s not like I make the choice
To let my mind stay so fucking messy
I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning ’round me just the same
I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning ’round me just the sameI’m holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning ’round me just the same
I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning ’round me just the same
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything’s about meHolding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Why is everything so heavy?
Why is everything so heavy?”

Another gym experience…while doing an exercise I felt someone touch my shoulder. I was looking directly into the mirror at the moment and NO one was around or behind me. This took me by surprise but I suppose it was my hair.

Our AC has been giving us fits so we are having it worked on (actually a new one, yikes!). The company that is installing it has been in and out for a few days. Thursday Joe and I pulled into the driveway… my heart dropped, I saw the profile of the technician working on the outside unit. His height, his haircut, his build, his FACE. He looked like Zane. I thought I was imagining it so I brushed it off until I got out of the car and went outside. Joe even agreed 100%. We had to tell him. Josh was so sweet. But a strange thing happened. I never told him how Zane died but he told us he reads suicide awareness poetry at Jake’s. Maybe he saw my ribbon tattoo? I’m not sure.

Sunday is his birthday. My beautiful blue/grey eyed, brown haired, tall, intelligent, sarcastic, brilliant, handsome, and perfect son would be 19. In two years and two months what would have he looked like? I carried him in my body, gave birth, loved his human body for more than 16 years and I’ll never see him again.

Take it from me…next time you think things are bad or are just not going your way, just remember your child’s birthday could be printed in stone.

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