3 Holidays Without You

Driving home from work I hear the words “I’d stop the world if it gave us time…”. Lukas Graham said it perfectly. Yes, it’s more of a love song but that line I interpreted my way, as well as “When you love someone you make room.” Take it how you want. I would no doubt stop the world if I could have one more minute with my child. I would ask him why. I would ask him if I did something wrong. I would ask if he knows how much I love him.

Lukas sang the song ‘7 Years’…you know the one Zane loved to torture me with on the piano 🤣. This particular piano I have talked about before. It was in the living room where he was found. I haven’t seen it since July 26, 2017. It’s in storage. Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about it, wondering if I should get it out and put it in the house. We have plenty of room for it. But will I be able to look at it knowing he was so close to it? That’s why we got rid of the couch, coffee table (brand new), dining room table, accent cabinet, chairs, etc. But for some reason I told Joe not to get rid of the piano. I guess it was a sign.

Speaking of the piano, I haven’t made any of Zane’s favorite foods since the day either. Chicken spaghetti, regular spaghetti, chili dogs, Pasta Roni angel hair pasta, and Ramen noodles. Well Zeagan turned 4 on December 16th and the little booger has been asking over and over for regular spaghetti. Guess what I did? Yes, I made it. On his birthday. I’m pretty sure I cried the entire time I was making it. I made a full pot like I used to because I don’t know any other way to make spaghetti. Zeagan had THREE bowl fulls and so did KaiDyn and Riot. There was very little left over. One more baby step. I just hated that this was the 3rd birthday Zeagan had without his Uncle Zane Zane.

We watch a lot of football in our house and one pregame commercial caught my attention. Solomon Thomas of the San Francisco 49ers lost his sister Ella, age 24, to suicide on January 23, 2018. He now plays for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I may not be a 49ers fan but believe me I am a Solomon Thomas fan. He is going through grief just like us. And he’s doing something about it just like us. He didn’t waste any time either. He has a commercial, you should Google it, it’s very strong and forthcoming.

This was our third Christmas without him. It wasn’t any better. I did enjoy decorating the bigger house tho, something told me I needed to fill it up with Christmas. I decorated a tree in the entry way next to Zane’s picture, angel wings, and Bible. I believe it was my favorite.

Suicide sucks my friends. Losing a child hurts 24/7, 365 days a year. Your heart literally aches.

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