Before…

I’m watching this phenomenal sunrise as I drive to work and I should be breathing easy, enjoying the sight. But I can’t. He will never see this. Never. He should be 19, going to college, getting drunk on the weekends, being a teenager, having fun, getting perfect grades, Dean’s list, talking to me about the new music that comes out. But here I am watching the sunrise wondering where all of his friends went, we rarely see them anymore.

Speaking of music, a new song by Lewis Capaldi came on the radio. If you’re not listening to the words, it sounds like a typical song about losing a love. But it’s not. ‘Before You Go’ is about suicide. It seems like everyone is touched by suicide. At least someone like Lewis can make a large impact. “Was there something I could’ve said to make your heart beat better?” Ugh. As a mom I thought I was doing that. I thought I was loving Zane enough. Talking to him enough. But I wasn’t. No one was. But then again we didn’t know.

‘Before You Go’ by Lewis Capaldi

‘I fell by the wayside like everyone else
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, but I was just kidding myself
Our every moment, I start to replace
‘Cause now that they’re gone, all I hear are the words that I needed to say When you hurt under the surface
Like troubled water running cold
Well, time can heal, but this won’t So, before you go
Was there something I could’ve said to make your heart beat better?
If only I’d have known you had a storm to weather
So, before you go
Was there something I could’ve said to make it all stop hurting?
It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless
So, before you go Was never the right time, whenever you called
Went little by little by little until there was nothing at all
Our every moment, I start to replay
But all I can think about is seeing that look on your face When you hurt under the surface
Like troubled water running cold
Well, some can heal, but this won’t So, before you go
Was there something I could’ve said to make your heart beat better?
If only I’d have known you had a storm to weather
So, before you go
Was there something I could’ve said to make it all stop hurting?
It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless
So, before you go Would we be better off by now
If I’d have let my walls come down?
Maybe, I guess we’ll never know
You know, you know Before you go
Was there something I could’ve said to make your heart beat better?
If only I’d have known you had a storm to weather
So, before you go
Was there something I could’ve said to make it all stop hurting?
It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless
So, before you go’

First of all, why did he have to go. Did he feel worthless? If he did, I know who made him feel that way. I will never understand how she could make you ‘hurt under the surface’. We should have seen it.

I feel so blind.