One thousand ninety-five. That’s how many days are in 3 years. Broken bones are healed. Scars on your skin are less visible.  Hopefully cancer is in remission. More than 1095 pictures have been taken on your smartphone. A multitude of new songs have made it to the playlist. So many new babies have been born. But heartache. It hasn’t even started the process. It has nowhere to go.

Three years ago we were not in “heartache” status. We were doing alright, so we thought. Up until 5pm Wednesday July 26, 2017. Fateful phonecalls suck. They destroy your lives. Flip your quiet world upside down, the world you thought was flowing decently. Yeah, it had some sharp rocks at the bottom of the river but we could always bandage those wounds. After that day the wound was too large to stitch up.

According to Science, the heart is just an organ. It beats, pumps blood to and from your organs. Apparently it is not supposed to physically hurt from “heartache” or a broken heart, only from a true medical condition. Well, science never lost a child. Especially to suicide. I would love to rewrite the medical book.

That day, the 1095 days after, and I expect the rest of my life, every time I think of what happened the pain is breathtaking. Physical pain, not just emotional. I am 100% sure I would rather have a heart attack or a stroke. I would rather be in a car accident and break every bone in my body. One day at a time is difficult when you can no longer see his face.

Time has healed nothing. All we have done is moved forward. Don’t let the dryer eyes and smiles fool you. We’ve just learned to laugh a little more and enjoy the small things because we still have love in our hearts. We have two wonderful new kids, KaiDyn and Riot, Daniel, Adrianna and Zeagan. We also have the best family and friends we could ask for. Our support system is amazing. They have made the 1095 days go by slightly smoother, especially when they check in on us. We also have Zane’s street sign to pass by or stop and take a picture of at South Plains College. I can never thank my sister and brother-in-law enough for that 💕.

1095 days.
26,280 hours.
1,576,800 minutes.
94,608,000 seconds.

Doesn’t seem like a lot.


“Second star to the right, and straight on till the morning.” ~Peter Pan (aka Zane)

Please, if you are in any way having suicidal thoughts, call someone or the AFSP hotline.
1-800-273-8255 or
Text NAMI to 741741

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