Raw

Oh I have so much to say. It’s been a while. My heart just hasn’t been into writing but I’m feeling it now. Fair warning, no censoring in this post. I’m angry. I’m hurt. I’m sad. I do have some happy moments though. Don’t give up on reading…

I got thru the 3 year mark. But damn I swear it was yesterday. The phone call from my mother-in-law, the instant shattering of my heart. I relive it almost every day. Now when I say I got thru the 3 year mark doesn’t mean much, it just means July 26th came and went. The ache of him being gone has not eased up at all, not one tiny bit since the day. Do not ever tell a mom that it will get easier. Do not ever tell a dad it will get easier. We have just moved along with the world because we had no choice.

August was a shitty month. It was supposed to be a great month, my birthday month. My husband even gave me a surprise party on my birthday to lift my spirits up. But on August 5th we lost a young lady I’ve known since she was little to suicide. Kayla spent so much time at my house in the country with my niece Cassion and her sister Kelsey babysitting my boys. She halfway grew up out there. Kayla was a troubled girl. She had her demons to fight but we all thought she was winning the battle. This is where we don’t know the truth of what is in someone’s heart.

August 30th comes around. I had been planning an art therapy session at my house in honor of Zane to help with healing. This session was also on zoom. We were all in the middle of cleaning the house, an hour before everyone was to begin arriving and I get a phone call from my best friend Kerri. She never calls, always texts because she knows I hate to talk on the phone so I knew I needed to answer. I received devastating news. Again. Earlier that morning I had quickly ran through Facebook and come across a post of my wonderful friend Kelly…she wrote this at 3:29 a.m…

“I love you all but my love isn’t enough and only hurts the people I love most.
πŸ’œπŸ’šX118″

I responded with this at about 6:45 that morning….

“I love you πŸ’– I know you’re hurting. In times like these there’s few words to make you feel better because I’ve been in it and still go through it. But know I love you. πŸ’ž”

I didn’t get back on Facebook after that. So about noon Kerri called me. She asked me if I had heard about Kelly. I said no, what’s up. She asked me if I read her last post, I assumed it was the one I commented on and said yes. Apparently I was wrong. I missed her post by about 20 minutes. TWENTY MINUTES. Her very last post. Her suicide note. The last time I could have talked to her. I could have called her. I could have texted her. No, I might not have been able to stop her but I might have been able to hear her voice one more time. Kelly’s demons had already taken her down. They took her down the day Thomas, her son, died a little over two years ago. Kelly fought hard.

When I got the call I screamed. It was a flashback to three years ago.  My house didn’t get cleaned. My hair didn’t get styled. My makeup didn’t get done. I was over it. I still had to welcome guests but as soon as they found out what happened they gave me grace. I tried to have a good art session, which honestly I did. I put what energy I had into focusing on my baby boy and creating art that meant something to me. After the session and everyone had left, silly me went back and read, reread, read etc. her last post.

Yes I know, we all have those ‘what ifs’ and ‘whys’. I have those still with Zane. I’m his mom, I should have known. I will feel guilty for the rest of my life until I’m buried at his feet. I honestly don’t think kelly didn’t want anyone to save her at the point she was at but hell I could have tried. I could have tried to save Kayla if I had known about her too.

A really great part of August was my cousin Lizzy came to town to visit us. She needed an outlet and our house was the place. She needed me and I needed her. She’s only 21 but I’ve known her since she was born. Such a sweet soul. Her and I have always had a connection. KaiDyn warmed up to Lizzy immediately. We laughed together. We cried together. She didn’t want to leave after 8 days with us so she changed her flight for one more day. I’m 99% sure she would have stayed longer if she had not needed to go to work.

I went to two funerals in August, should have gone to three. I went to Kayla’s and our long time friend Phyllis Brooks (I have a beautiful story to tell about her passing). I should have gone to Kelly’s. First, I couldn’t take another funeral. Second, I just didn’t want to see my sweet friend laying the exact same way my baby boy did having done the exact same thing. My mental state wouldn’t let me. I did watch her service online that afternoon. I cried like a blubbering idiot, especially when her son Spencer spoke. His short words got to me the most. I will be honest tho, I did not like the sermon, very mixed feelings. Maybe because I was in such a state of sadness that I did not want to be yelled at by a pastor at a funeral. I felt it was more of a revival type sermon rather than talk about Kelly. Then…as the mourners filed out, her mother was the first one. That was me hovering over my son. Not wanting to let go. While I could not hear her, I knew exactly what she sounded like. I knew she was screaming, crying, wanting to know why God took her baby away. What else is there to ask? Kayla’s mom asked the same thing after her son Dustin died of suicide five years ago and on August 5th.

I’m sick of suicides. I’m sick of parents burying their children. This isn’t fair. I will never give up. Our suicide awareness and prevention program is only getting stronger. Before you go remember someone loves you and wants you to stay. We want you to stay.

Please, if you are in any way having suicidal thoughts, call someone or the AFSP hotline.
1-800-273-8255 or
Text NAMI to 741741

2 thoughts on “Raw”

  1. Love you so much, Carrie. You, Joe, and Daniel are the strongest people I know. You’ve been thru a lot but you always come out stronger than ever. So sorry for all the loss that you and the family have endured the last three plus years. Zane, Kelly, Kayla and all the others who have left us to soon will be in our hearts forever. Hugs send kisses.

    Liked by 1 person

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