Surviving, All of Us

Oh the holidays. But the holidays are so different this year. 2020 is one for the books. Who knew the world would be in a pandemic? Who knew we would be in this situation where every conversation starts out with a COVID question. Sheesh. We are ALL surviving, adults and children alike.

I personally am not a cheerleader of the holidays. I put on a darn good face but under my mask I’m not smiling. I do it for my 23 year old son and his wife, although Daniel isn’t a fan either. I do it for my 12 and 10 year olds. And I do it for my 5 year old grandson. My family is my everything. *sigh* but there’s someone missing. I suppose there will ALWAYS be someone missing.

There is an empty chair. This was the 4th Christmas he was not here to sit in it. The 4th Christmas his stocking has been hung with nothing in it on Christmas morning. The 4th time for me to fake a smile for the love of my kids and grandson.

So many are excited about 2020 changing to 2021 because of the terrible year. It changing does nothing for me except scares me. It means more time will pass. I feel guilty every day that I live and he doesn’t. It’s not fair that I’m on this Earth living and breathing this air when his life was taken at age 16. The death certificate says he took his own life. Wrong. HIS life was taken. A 16 year old CHILD does not choose to do something so horrific nor does anyone else. I get so angry at myself for even liking a new song. I try so hard to hate it. But something always tells me it’s ok. When I drive his car I get a sense of relief when I listen to the songs from his funeral, they were all around when he was alive. Especially “Remember Everything”, his favorite song.

Two nights ago, even though it was a restless night of sleep, I woke up the next morning happy. He came to me. It has been more than a year since I’ve seen my baby boy in a dream. I didn’t even remember dreaming of Zane until after I showered and was in the process of getting ready. Something snapped and it got me, the entire dream. Of course it was a strange dream, but I was trying to save him. I knew what he was about to do, not how, but that he was going to take his life. I kept calling the one girl that was his one true love, definitely not the one that helped kill him. All clues pointed to her as I was remembering the dream.

Oh how he loved her, tho. Recently she reconnected with me. Not a day goes by that Zane doesn’t cross her mind. In 8th grade Zane asked me to get her a nice necklace and him being a spoiled brat, his mommy did just that 藍. It was right before the banquet (prom). That was when her stepmom took her away from Zane and things went South. Their relationship didn’t faulter because of them, it was because of long distance and her ill-mannered family. The two stayed in touch but it wasn’t the same. He never was able to give the necklace to her. So when her and I started talking, I decided to send it to her. I had kept it in the same place for 5 years. It was hers. The necklace belonged to her and something told me I needed to send it to her. I hope that is what he wanted me to do.

Back to my dream. He was alive the entire dream. He never spoke tho, I never heard his voice. I am more than thankful that I saw his beautiful face. But in the real world we all know the true outcome. If I had only known. I would have tried everything. I just hate that I, his mother, couldn’t save him.

Please, if you are in any way having suicidal thoughts, call someone or the AFSP hotline.
1-800-273-8255 or
Text NAMI to 741741

2 thoughts on “Surviving, All of Us”

  1. Carrie, I feel your pain. I’ve had dreams where Matt came to me. I dare not share with many because I do not want to hear that it wasn’t Matt. I know, though. Your son is beautiful 💚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. ANYONE who tells you that it wasn’t Matt knows absolutely NOTHING of what you’re going through. That makes me so so sad. That’s as bad as someone saying “be happy for the kids you have left”…ummmm that’s when you tell them to pick which kid they could live without. Some just have no clue and will never know. Their tongues should stay silent.

      Our dreams are real. So so real. A month after Zane left, I was getting up out of bed and I heard “mom”. It was him. It was his voice. He was telling me it was ok.

      Thank you, Zane is so handsome. Your Matt is too. ❤️❤️❤️


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